I can’t sleep

Iv’e tried to close my eyes and go to sleep, but I can’t seem to pass in to the realm of dreams. Iv’e finally decided to quit fighting my lack of exasperation, and type out some of these thoughts I’m having. Maybe after we hash it out, ill feel a bit more tired.

I have this picture in my head, an on going video that keeps playing. It stems from my discontent with lack of personal control over my time. This comes with a disclaimer; I do enjoy the company of everyone out here, this has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with a collective of people who are more in control of my life, than I am and that pisses me off.

The video that plays is of a conversation that takes place in a casual place. The basis is; Im being asked if I’m going to continue on my current path. Instead of my no confrontation answer “Im not sure yet, I just gotta wait it out and see” My answer becomes a “no”. As always I would be asked the question “why”?

*This little question is a funny thing to me. For some its a genuine question of why? Maybe they are truly curious of what your plans are, or there curious of what the other options are, possibly they wonder about there own choice to persist? There could be a million reasons why.

But for others, this question is an opportunity to influence you in the direction that they find to be the most beneficial for me…which in turn is beneficial to them. This is the basis of many peoples decisions. The questions pops up. The opportunity is given, and a young mind has been molded, history has been made. The whole transaction is hard for me to swallow. But on a typical basis I really don’t want to rock the boat over such meager reasons. So I answer hesitantly, giving them the opportunity to speak to me like they know me…better than me.

In this mental image thats keeping me up; I see things going a little different, and now that I’m writing it it seems like such a silly thing to ruminate over, and I’m glad I don’t rock the boat in those situations. I see myself confidently giving the clear answer “The reason I’m not going to stick around, is because; I just spent the last 6 months away from my family, fiancee, and the place I love. I missed Christmas, and New years. To me there is no career, no money, and no material thing that can pay that back. I would get out tomorrow if I could”. Although this is the truth, I like it because it gives no opportunity to fill my head with non sense that I don’t need, theres already plenty there.

Its funny the dumb things we agonize over. I think the fact that I play that over in my head multiple times makes me more upset, than the actual event. When I really think of the whole scope of things that have happened to me in the past 4 years, I feel incredibly grateful  to have been given this opportunity. Writing this just now helped me realize this. Maybe I can go to sleep now :p

Writing  was probably the most productive thing I could have done. I feel as though my mind has been cleared of the ridiculousness of these thoughts, and I’m left with a feeling of gratitude 🙂

Oh….I also read this passage that I must share!

” I would suggest” he once wrote. “That the whole matter of imaginative literature depends on this faculty of seeing the universe, from the aeonian pebble of the wayside to the raw suburban street, as something new, unheard of, marvelous, finally miraculous”

–Tim Martin, “the Alphabet Library: F is for Far of Things, by Arthur Machen”

It makes me think of taking a photograph. A good photographer can take a simple thing, like a rock, or coffee cup, and use the surrounding’s to create a beautiful photo.

Okay I’m done. going to bed.

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